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My deepest Fear

What’s your deepest fear?
I’m scared of loneliness. I’m scared I’d have no one who cares around, I’m scared everybody would leave at the end of the day. I’m scared the one’s I love most would hurt and abandon me, maybe I’d stop being good enough.
I’m scared of being a failure. I’m scared I’d disappoint my mum. I’m scared I won’t be as great as everyone thinks, I’m scared the potentials we all see in me is just a fallacy. I’m scared I’d marry the wrong man. I’m scared I’d be a lousy mum, I’m scared I won’t be able to protect and provide for my kids as I should. I’m scared I’d walk out on God, maybe I’d just lose faith in God one day and become a mess, I’m scared God would get worn out from a life time of endowing me with grace and mercy, maybe he’d give up on me.
I’m scared I won’t be able to keep up, maybe my scars won’t get completely healed much less heal other’s wounds.
I’m scared of the future, of the unknown.

My fears and insecurity keep me up while other’s sleep. Sometimes I feel so much pressure I want to choke. Other times, I try so hard to make the best of the moment and sink in to depression when the efforts prove futile. I hate it when I fall short, when I allow the flesh take over, it sucks when I can’t control my emotions and sometimes I wonder why I have to try.
Why isn’t everything easy? Why do I have to study to have good grades? Why do I have learn and develop my skills and self? Why do I have to think and still have to control what I think about? Even keeping faith requires my effort and praying,renewing my mind and controlling my thoughts takes such a toll on me at times (I guess that’s why I’m truly human sha).

Okay, I don’t know why I’m typing all this. Maybe because, because, I dnt know. Sincerely I’m not sure.

I’m not perfect (not even close). I’m still a work in progress and it hasn’t been a bed of roses. I have my insecurities and fears too. Hehe! Sometimes when I read a comment on my blog, or get a mail or a ping, mention or whatever about how great I’m doing with my blog I just feel *sigh*, well I feel really good, appreciated, mostly humbled and grateful to God for his work in me but sometimes I feel I’m totally not worthy, like I shouldn’t be able to write, it just feels like a lot of work and responsibility and when I look around at the people who look up to me, I get really scared, I’d prolly fail everyone of them.

I really dunno why I’m writing this, I prolly won’t publish sha.

Right now, I feel like a mess. *Deep sigh* am I the only one having serious down times? Please am I?

Okay, I hate sulking, so I am about to change my thought pattern. Think positive peace. God loves you senseless, he has put people in your life who care about you and you have people looking up to you cause you can handle it, you are up to the task.
-‘m great!!
A great mind neva been encountered…
I am!!!
I affect everything +vely cos…
the God-factor I carry cnt be hidden…
Oh yes!

You know, I always try and make effort to stand up and be better. I don’t Know what tomorrow holds, I have no idea how my future really would be. Oh! God assures me that if I stick with him, my future is going be to more awesome than I can handle hehe but I dnt have the details and because it’s a step at a time (a process) with a condition (stick with God) I get scared I won’t b able to keep up.
Well, I have decided I’m going to leave above my fears and make every moment count, I’m going to be happy and feel whole at every point and step on my way.

You see, our fears just come to paralyse and limit us. Satan feeds our minds with these things so we won’t achieve and become what God wants us to.
Jesus has given us, given me victory over satan and so I can (have) conquered all my fears via Christ.

I may have does crippling thoughts but I won’t dwell on them.
Satan may ‘try’ to get me to fall in sin and if i fall,he would try to make me wallow in guilt, hence creating a distance between me and God, but I have decided not to let him have his way.

I have victory. God is on my side. I have found my purpose and passions and I’m going to stick to them.

I’d study because If I fail I’d feel worse and I’d disappoint my mum.
I’d study my bible and pray because the only time I feel really loved,secured and whole is when I’m in the presence of God and I believe satan knows just how much God loves me that why he’s trying to keep me from God’s presence and shower of affection.
I’d keep being the best friend I can be, even if people don’t love me back, I’d won’t give satan the satisfaction of me hating anyone, keeping grudges or not caring because I feel it won’t be returned.
When it’s time to date, I’d go as the Spirit leads, knowing he won’t led me astray. When I have kids, Jesus would help me raise them as I can.
Basically, I’d always do my best and allow Jesus take care of the rest.
I’d do God’s will, fulfil purpose and use my passions and gifts and scars to inspire, love, heal and make people the best they can be.
And those looking up to me, I have decided that I can’t disappoint you. I know how it feels when those you look up to walk away and disappoint and I won’t do that to you, nah! I’m not that cruel.

I think I just figured out my I’m writing this. James 5:16 says ‘Confess your faults to one another …’

I know that we humans need eachother, we were created to depend on one another. I can’t grow in isolation, keeping all my faults and fears to myself would only give it more room to grow stronger in my heart (wow! That’s a first).
I’m not perfect, never would be. I’m still a work in progress but the work is definitely progressing (wow!). I’m going stronger and I’m becoming better and I won’t let my fears control me. I’d live above my fears, above my sins, above my guilt, above my scars, above my past. God doesn’t lie and he has promised me that exceeding glory would be revealed in me.
The ideas and desires and passions and gifts and POtentIals I have are God given and hence I believe he’d see them to a finished, perfected, desired end product.

I combat my fears why believing the best. Fears are beliefs too, so I change my beliefs to that of positive ones.

I don’t know if this post would mean anything to anyone (I hope it does sha). I just hope someone out there decides to put satan to shame, to live in victory and to not let their fear control and ruin their lives but to convert it to a positive driving force, one that drives you to be everything your fears tell you, you can’t be. One that pushes you beyond your ‘limit’ so you can achieve heights you never would have dreamed about.

Decide with me today, to live above our fear.

Writing this just gave me confidence to stand up, I hope reading this helps you out too. Much love

Eheh! I didnt proof read this, so what you just read is a first, very sincere draft. Forgive the typo’s.

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I am Me

I AM ME
I am me…
Joy.
What you see…
A decoy.
My destiny has things laid on a platter.
I choose me happiness for keeps.
So when you see me reel in laughter,
Know it’s cos there’s excess in my lips.

I am me…
In between.
Like a bee…
I’ve got no sting.
I’m a double edged sword.
So dangerously blunt.
I stand by my word.
An equivocal stunt.

I am me…
Pain.
I am glee…
Existing in feint.
I dissemble, dissimulate;
I shield, shelter, and shell.
While I my outward create,
I am me in my inwardly self.

I am me…
Who I choose to be.
I am me…

By Erkison Odih