I’m in church.
Normally, this really shouldn’t be too much of a surprise but it’s a Wednesday evening and i just came back from school…. Sememster break and all. Also, basically all the peeps i know are either in school or not around therefore considering my “boredom-ness” and also my commitment to my Christian life gets the occasional “K” leg with The not so splendid relationship i’ve had with Female acquaintances in my life leads me to believe I require spiritual intervention.
Anyway, seems I’m not the only one requiring intervention as church is pretty crowded. Naturally, old habits die hard and I can’t help but cast my “Single, fine Girl” radar round the room.
ALERT! TARGET ACQUIRED!
I can spot a lonesome cutie towards the front of the hall. I adjust what myself and head towards the empty seat next to her. Suddenly, my sessy spider senses start tingling and from the corner of my eye I spot another desperate single guy heading towards her on the opposite aisle. He catches my eye and we both give each other the once over.
We Babe Eaters…We know ourselves.
He’s well Built than me, very few might say handsome and those might even be real LV alligator platforms he’s wearing but I’ve got something he hasn’t… Swags.
Take that brother! I think as I start to power walk towards the prize.
CHAI! This seat far o, I’m starting to lose my breath and beads of sweat are beginning to collect on my dainty nose. This is not good. Not the first impression I want to give the cutie but no time to stop and get my handkerchief outta my pocket Macho man is only 2 strides behind me.
Ah ha! Macho man just stumbled over a cable. Thank you Lord for signs and wonders. This baby is mine.
Just as I come up to her row and make to sit down…the devil strikes…
“Hello, sir can you sit on this row please?” says a stern looking usher blocking my path.
Damn it! Ushers!!! Why are they always getting in my way?!
I contemplate carrying out some evasive manoeuvres and plunging myself down on my seat of choice. It’s not like she can’t forcibly remove me from the seat or can she?
I give her the once over…She looks hard, and I haven’t eaten today. So I decided not to try her and do the next best thing…LIE.
“Sorry… That’s my sister. She’s holding the seat for me.” I say, giving her my best “God fearing brother” look.
God forgive me. God forgive me. God forgive me. God forgive me. God forgive me.
Oh no! Macho man has beaten me to it.
He gives me a smug look as he comes in under the usher radar on the opposite side; sliding past other people on the row to plunk himself next to her. The hussy has already even pretended to drop his bible and now he’s giggling as she hands it back to her. The fool is not even smooth. That’s sooooo been done.
“Are you sure that’s your sister?” Asks the usher looking quizzically at me.
Kilode?! Na you get monopoly on sisters or what?
“Seems you have to let your seat go. Girls will be Girls huh?” she says laughing.
Hissss….Komot for road my friend. Enemy of romantic progress.
I sit down on the row she indicted earlier and I’m already distressed as the girl sitting next to me, feels the need to introduce herself. I immediately pretend to be deep in prayer to avoid further conversation. To make matters worse; I’m going to be smack bang in the middle of the pastor’s line of sight. I hate being too close to the podium. I’m always scared pastors can read my thoughts and they can see the sin just radiating off my body.
Now I’ll actually have to listen instead of fantasising about what I would buy if God rewards me for paying my tithes by leaving money on the road for me to find.
The choir finally stops singing and I hear this bird-like voice saying “Hello” so I figure it’s safe to open my eyes. Highly unlikely the babe sitting next to me will engage in convo during the sermon. So, I raise my head and look up into the most mesmerizing pair of eyes I’ve ever seen.
Haaaa!!! What have I been doing in church all these months? How come I never noticed how pretty the The choir Mistress was? I really must stop sitting so far back.
She‘s talking about a special number they want to render and staring straight at me like we’re the only 2 people in the room.
Errr…I think you’ll find she’s staring into the right above your head and not you.
Shut it Brain.
Can’t you see?! This isn’t a coincidence. Everything that’s been happening has led us to this point in time when I would come face to face with my destiny.
OK you’re talking crazy now or should I say crazier than usual. Your blood sugar must be low…Eat some gum.
Sod the gum. I’m busy listening to the babe who’s going make my dreams come true.
I can hardly contain my excitement. My friend ( more like my Friend-zoned Annoying Bestie in lagos chick), goes to the same church and she did say she would be here for evening service. I look around but I don’t see her, so I decide to send her a bb message.
Me: Hey sis just had a revelation. I’ve been so blind. What I’ve been looking for has been right under my nose all this time. God was just waiting for me to make a stronger commitment to my spiritual side.
BFF: Stop bbing in church you sinner. What are you on about? What stronger commitment?
Me: Coming to mid week service.
BFF: Hisss…You’ve come to one mid-week service. Big deal. Your mates are shaving their heads and sleeping in church.
ME: Wo’eva. God has revealed my woman to me.
BFF: *Yawn* Who? The badly dressed girl you and your over-bleached Brother in asewo behavior were running to go and sit next to? You think I didn’t see you? You’re just an embarrassment. Thank God we don’t have the same last name.
ME: Pleeeeeeaassse *Eyes Rolling*. he can have her. The Choir Mistress is in a whole different league*Love Struck*
BFF: Sorry did you say the choir mistress?! That’s your God sent woman?!
ME: Yep *Big Smile*
BFF: *Surprise emoticon*
All of a sudden my bbing and the choir ministration is cut short by the sound of hysterical laughter coming from the back of the church. I can see ushers rushing over but whoever it is can’t seem to stop laughing. Next thing I know, I see my friend – Annoying Chick, practically being walked out of the church, still laughing.
Can you imagine being so frivolous in the house of God? The girl obviously has brain touch. Thank God she does have a different last name. Not sure the church council would approve of such inappropriate family members when I’m presented as the soon to be Mr. Pastor.
What could have been so funny anyway?