Feeling Change but memories don’t.

Been having a hard time accepting change,not just any change but Change of Feelings.
Been trying to understand why it’s easy for everyone to conform to and accept a person’s change of attitude and feeling towards them so easily.
Is it wrong to be too sceptical?
Is it wrong not too easily accept the fact that someone’s attitude towards you, me has changed for better?
I’m in dilemma but more, my heart is aching.
I can’t or I just don’t want to give in so easily because chances are If you could treat me that bad before, you could easily do so again.

Okay! So I’ve decided to try and give you the benefit of a doubt and accept that People really do change.
But I can’t stop thinking that If not for circumstances, if not that you didn’t find any alternative you’d have never realized my worth But more, I feel I deserve Better than you…
I deserve someone who Loves me for me and treats me right everytime, from the beginning and not when He didn’t find someone else that’s treats him like I do.

Uhm! When a Father abandons his family for another, for years and then comes back to be a better Father because the ‘another’ he left then didn’t exactly work out as Hoped…

When a Mother Dumps her child, for whatever reason and then comes back to reclaim her child when difficulties arise for her or when the child becomes Successful…

When a BoyFriend Treats his ‘Babe’ like shit and then, she leaves him for awhile and he is not bothered and then he suddenly resurface’s, Full of love and care and remorse and he excepts her to take him back (if she’s single sef, I dnt care)…

But, Then… You’ve to go away before people would miss you. You’ve to leave before people would realise your worth and your importance in the place you left.
Yea, sometimes things have to Go wrong before they become right.

Yea! I’m really Confused.

One thing though, for everyone to remember is: FEELINGS COULD CHANGE BUT MEMORIES DON’T.


Heart broken |my Boyfriend and Best friend doing things

“My bestfriend and My boyfriend they play me and they no send”

Psquare’s song keeps ringing in my head as I think of the latest traumatising event in my life.


I had a Fixed class that saturday morning by 7am, so I woke up very early and left my hostel…
*Annoyingly, the class didn’t start till 10am.
So I spent the three hours preceding the class sleeping (c’mon na, wasn’t my fault, I slept late cause I was reading o and then had to wake early •shrugs•), and pinging (with my boo hehe).

Immediately the lecturer left the class, I packed my books and ran out. My mind was already in my hostel (my boyfriend was in my room, – had been there for about an hour and half – my bestie was keeping him company though •Thank God• ).

••Immediately I got to my room, I felt funny.
My door was locked, so I knocked and my friend opened the door (only, it took her more time than normal to open the door) as a result, the funny feeling intensified a bit, but I deliberately decided against dwelling on it (turned out to be a wrong move).
When I entered inside, Josh (my boyfriend) was fast asleep (I think this fact calmed me down #smh), so I just chatted with Ann (my bestfriend) and then she said she was going to bathe, that she had choir rehearsals to Go for and that she was only still around because she didn’t want to leave Josh alone (”awww, that’s so sweet dearie” I said to her).

She left, I got a little bored so I jumped on Josh’s body in an attempt to wake him up.
The ‘cutie’ grudgingly woke up and bounced on me (I’m blushing at the memory).
We fought, laughed and he started kissing me (the rest is history …hehe *winks*).

He left ‘later later later’ after much ado (*winks*)
Ann came, gisted me about rehearsal, we cooked, ate and slept.

* That saturday passed, didn’t go back to it.


A week later…

I was looking for my material desperately, Ann wasn’t around to help me search.
I had scattered every where scatterable, searched everywhere searchable yet I couldn’t find it.
I was already pissed.

I moved over to Ann’s personal bag to check ( at this point I didn’t care where I was checking provided I found what I was looking for).
In the process of searching, I found her dairy.

I couldn’t resist opening it ( latest conc mistake). I saw lots of interesting stuffs (hehe, sweet – at that point o) and yes! I had a deeper insight about my friend.

I kept reading and then I got to a page dated ‘4th May 2013’ (the day I had that fixed class).
I started reading and I got to part that said “Josh looked really good, I was horny and he was looking at me like he had something on his mind. I knew nothing Should happen cause of Jopesi but… I’m terribly attracted to him and everytime I see him with Jopesi I get a little jealous.
Jopesi is my best friend and I can’t betray her but… I was still having this huge fight with my conscience when I noticed he was closer to me.
Yes! You must have guessed, He kissed me and I responded, Gosh! it was the best kiss I had ever had. I couldn’t stop kissing him and when his hands touch my breasts every thought and concern about Jopesi left my mind – Only thing I could think about was Josh.
We made out ‘intensely’, my clothes were already off (totally), his shirt had come off too, his zipper was down and he was about to remove his trouser when I heard a knock (I’m sure after the person who turned out to be Jopesi had knocked like thrice already).
Sweat broke out already, I was nervous I had no idea how she’d react to the close door or to the the fact that I didn’t answer immediately.
*While I was panicking, Josh had already dressed up, he whispered he was going to pretend he was sleeping ( he did it perfectly well).
I just packed my clothes into my wardrope, tied towel and opened the door to face my fate”

•.•Mehn! When I read it, I was mad, hurt and at the same time I felt nothing (no surprise though that I crammed the whole thing word for word)…

I read on, and she talked about her bad she felt immediately she realised what had happened, that she cried her heart out while bathing. She said, she almost didn’t want to come back to the hostel after rehearsal cause she didn’t know if she’d be able to stand seeing me. Summary is *She felt bad*.




Aaaaaaarrrgggghhhh! I’m mad, hurt, I feel …
( Tears keeps dropping ), my heart is heavy.

~~~I haven’t told them I know about what happened but everytime I see any of them I feel …
They still carry on like nothing happened.. Aaaarrrgggh!

I dnt know what to do right now. I fear if I talk to them about it I’d kill someone.
I love them both still, but its painful.

Who do I blame more?
Josh? For coming unto her and then making out with me too after she had left (can you imagine the kind of mind he has? Kai!)
Ann for betraying our friendship and submitting to her desire and never telling me about it (shoot! I eat with this girl, bath with her, sleep with her – like sleep in the same room with her *hehe* ).
Isn’t best friends supposed to be the one’s to comfort us when our spouse messes up? *sighs*

Both I still love them both alot.
I’m hurt, but no strength and urge to get angry and do something to them.