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When a Million Sorries wouldn’t make a Difference.

Omo,

Nights are usually the hardest, that moment just before I doze off is when my mind does a flashback and my heart beat increases its temple by a million. It’s when I feel the pain, get a taste of my own stupidity and cry out hot tears that substitute for what I can’t say.

This is probably one of the very few things I’d regret for the rest of my life – as I write this, the only thing I can remember regretting. One of those mistakes that changes one’s life forever. Continue reading

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Memories

Memories are made every moment, some last longer than others, some are more intense but i have come to realise that with time all memories fade, though the intensity of the fading varies depending on how much and how often we always try to recall.

Maybe one day you’d reach for a memory like I did yesterday and discover that it’s blur, you’d try so hard to get the vivid images but you may not find it and then you’d wonder if it was your imagination all along. Continue reading

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Subtle issues

Race, it isnt always directly said but instead inferred. Age, it wouldn’t be a principal thing but it cant be willed away. Finance, cuts the corners but it’s there. Feelings, accepting them could tear you down so we look them out.

Today, I discovered that they are somethings in relationships that both parties will try not to remember but no matter how subtle the inference maybe, how good they both are in moving around the bush, those issues would never stop lurking around.

For instance: a relationship where the lady is the breadwinner or the man just cant take care of her as he ought.
Two bestfriends with 6years age difference.
A relationship where one’s Parents doesnt accept/like the spouse.
A white and a black dating in a country full of racists.
A relationship where one has cheated before.
A friendship falling apart but the parties not able to find a middle ground.
A relationship that both know wouldn’t lead anywhere but ain’t willing to part.
Or Loving your friend who loves another. You know trying to be friends with someone who you terribly in love with.
Or knowing your bestfriend isnt your bestfriend no more but you both trying to act like everything is okay.

They are lots of things we try to will out, try to pretend it isnt there. We try to hold things back, keep them lurked it, we try to forget things (because the memory is too good and the present isn’t)

Why I’m I writing this? Maybe because I just fully understood that no matter how we try to pretend or will certain things out, the truth is they are still there.

So what do we do? Accept and move on and believe that at the end those issues can make your relationship stronger. They can build you. And at the end whatever will be would be.
Do we stop willing them out? No! It makes living easier, so live easy and dont try too hard, what will be would be. Keep the feelings in if it makes life easier, at the end if it doesnt kill you (which it wouldn’t) then you’d be stronger.
Be happy and let no ish disturb your living.

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My deepest Fear

What’s your deepest fear?
I’m scared of loneliness. I’m scared I’d have no one who cares around, I’m scared everybody would leave at the end of the day. I’m scared the one’s I love most would hurt and abandon me, maybe I’d stop being good enough.
I’m scared of being a failure. I’m scared I’d disappoint my mum. I’m scared I won’t be as great as everyone thinks, I’m scared the potentials we all see in me is just a fallacy. I’m scared I’d marry the wrong man. I’m scared I’d be a lousy mum, I’m scared I won’t be able to protect and provide for my kids as I should. I’m scared I’d walk out on God, maybe I’d just lose faith in God one day and become a mess, I’m scared God would get worn out from a life time of endowing me with grace and mercy, maybe he’d give up on me.
I’m scared I won’t be able to keep up, maybe my scars won’t get completely healed much less heal other’s wounds.
I’m scared of the future, of the unknown.

My fears and insecurity keep me up while other’s sleep. Sometimes I feel so much pressure I want to choke. Other times, I try so hard to make the best of the moment and sink in to depression when the efforts prove futile. I hate it when I fall short, when I allow the flesh take over, it sucks when I can’t control my emotions and sometimes I wonder why I have to try.
Why isn’t everything easy? Why do I have to study to have good grades? Why do I have learn and develop my skills and self? Why do I have to think and still have to control what I think about? Even keeping faith requires my effort and praying,renewing my mind and controlling my thoughts takes such a toll on me at times (I guess that’s why I’m truly human sha).

Okay, I don’t know why I’m typing all this. Maybe because, because, I dnt know. Sincerely I’m not sure.

I’m not perfect (not even close). I’m still a work in progress and it hasn’t been a bed of roses. I have my insecurities and fears too. Hehe! Sometimes when I read a comment on my blog, or get a mail or a ping, mention or whatever about how great I’m doing with my blog I just feel *sigh*, well I feel really good, appreciated, mostly humbled and grateful to God for his work in me but sometimes I feel I’m totally not worthy, like I shouldn’t be able to write, it just feels like a lot of work and responsibility and when I look around at the people who look up to me, I get really scared, I’d prolly fail everyone of them.

I really dunno why I’m writing this, I prolly won’t publish sha.

Right now, I feel like a mess. *Deep sigh* am I the only one having serious down times? Please am I?

Okay, I hate sulking, so I am about to change my thought pattern. Think positive peace. God loves you senseless, he has put people in your life who care about you and you have people looking up to you cause you can handle it, you are up to the task.
-‘m great!!
A great mind neva been encountered…
I am!!!
I affect everything +vely cos…
the God-factor I carry cnt be hidden…
Oh yes!

You know, I always try and make effort to stand up and be better. I don’t Know what tomorrow holds, I have no idea how my future really would be. Oh! God assures me that if I stick with him, my future is going be to more awesome than I can handle hehe but I dnt have the details and because it’s a step at a time (a process) with a condition (stick with God) I get scared I won’t b able to keep up.
Well, I have decided I’m going to leave above my fears and make every moment count, I’m going to be happy and feel whole at every point and step on my way.

You see, our fears just come to paralyse and limit us. Satan feeds our minds with these things so we won’t achieve and become what God wants us to.
Jesus has given us, given me victory over satan and so I can (have) conquered all my fears via Christ.

I may have does crippling thoughts but I won’t dwell on them.
Satan may ‘try’ to get me to fall in sin and if i fall,he would try to make me wallow in guilt, hence creating a distance between me and God, but I have decided not to let him have his way.

I have victory. God is on my side. I have found my purpose and passions and I’m going to stick to them.

I’d study because If I fail I’d feel worse and I’d disappoint my mum.
I’d study my bible and pray because the only time I feel really loved,secured and whole is when I’m in the presence of God and I believe satan knows just how much God loves me that why he’s trying to keep me from God’s presence and shower of affection.
I’d keep being the best friend I can be, even if people don’t love me back, I’d won’t give satan the satisfaction of me hating anyone, keeping grudges or not caring because I feel it won’t be returned.
When it’s time to date, I’d go as the Spirit leads, knowing he won’t led me astray. When I have kids, Jesus would help me raise them as I can.
Basically, I’d always do my best and allow Jesus take care of the rest.
I’d do God’s will, fulfil purpose and use my passions and gifts and scars to inspire, love, heal and make people the best they can be.
And those looking up to me, I have decided that I can’t disappoint you. I know how it feels when those you look up to walk away and disappoint and I won’t do that to you, nah! I’m not that cruel.

I think I just figured out my I’m writing this. James 5:16 says ‘Confess your faults to one another …’

I know that we humans need eachother, we were created to depend on one another. I can’t grow in isolation, keeping all my faults and fears to myself would only give it more room to grow stronger in my heart (wow! That’s a first).
I’m not perfect, never would be. I’m still a work in progress but the work is definitely progressing (wow!). I’m going stronger and I’m becoming better and I won’t let my fears control me. I’d live above my fears, above my sins, above my guilt, above my scars, above my past. God doesn’t lie and he has promised me that exceeding glory would be revealed in me.
The ideas and desires and passions and gifts and POtentIals I have are God given and hence I believe he’d see them to a finished, perfected, desired end product.

I combat my fears why believing the best. Fears are beliefs too, so I change my beliefs to that of positive ones.

I don’t know if this post would mean anything to anyone (I hope it does sha). I just hope someone out there decides to put satan to shame, to live in victory and to not let their fear control and ruin their lives but to convert it to a positive driving force, one that drives you to be everything your fears tell you, you can’t be. One that pushes you beyond your ‘limit’ so you can achieve heights you never would have dreamed about.

Decide with me today, to live above our fear.

Writing this just gave me confidence to stand up, I hope reading this helps you out too. Much love

Eheh! I didnt proof read this, so what you just read is a first, very sincere draft. Forgive the typo’s.

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NO to Child Abuse.| The Girl child deserves the Best and More

Today I got a BC that said I should sign a petition against The senate Government for their approval of the bill allowing Marriage of Underage girls.

“What is this world turning into?
What is Nigeria becoming?”

•As I sit and think about this, Tears begin to drop.•

I started thinking of all the aspects of Child abuse, From Molestation, to Child Trafficking and now to Marriage of underage girls.

The society doesn’t have to bother only about what a child molested would be in the future, or the ills of child trafficking, now we have to bother about married girls who haven’t had the chance to undergo puberty, Girls who would start seeing their menstrual cycle in their husband’s house, Girls who would most likely have complications during labour, Girls who wouldn’t have the chance to interact with their peers in a normal capacity.

How is these generation going to be brighter and better if the children being raised are made to go through serious emotional trauma?

~~A molested child grows up to hate the sex that molested him/her or grows up thinking that he/she isn’t worthy or good enough and ends up misusing his/her body.
`The girls might hate guys and become attracted to girls, or they become sluts, feeling like they are not good enough for real love and relationship – they’d end up misusing their bodies.
`The guys would become sex maniac’s, using and dumping females, some would end up being gay because A female adult molested him as a child.
`And the one’s who are molested by an adult of same sex, has even more trauma to deal with.
If God doesn’t intervene, their future is drenched.
`A child who is trafficked forgets the value of life and self-worth. A trafficked child’s mind becomes fixated on money, they end up thinking that life begins and end’s with money and anything can and should be done with themselves or others to produce money.

This ills are still being dealt with. Laws haven’t been made, bills haven’t been approved. Measures hasn’t been adequately set in place to combat these and Now another has been added – the Marriage of underage girls.

Really? What are men looking for in children?
They don’t have developed Breasts or even vagina, so what sexual gratification do they get?
Is a thirteen year old supposed to be a wife and the maybe a mother? Really?

Nigerian would grow with this development?
What on earth are the law makers thinking?
Would they marry off their own underage girls?

So, females ain’t worth anything anymore in nigeria?

Education isn’t important? Food, Shelter, Good health, Emotional stability isn’t important anymore?
A girl child doesn’t need to grow up well like a male counterpart?

Girls shouldn’t go to school? They shouldn’t interact with kids of their age? They shouldn’t be allowed to be taught and seen through puberty by their mothers? They can’t be allowed to be naïve anymore at their teenage years?

Females are not integral parts of this country’s tomorrow?

Months ago, they signed in 14years Jail term for Gays and lesbians.
So marrying out young children isn’t as bad as (even worse than) Homosexuality? That’s what they are saying right?

Aaaaah!
I bleed in my heart for this kids that’d have to go through this.
I cry for this kids that won’t be able to fight, to say NO! To this abuse.

Please Nigeria!
Please Let’s help our Tomorrow.
Stop all forms of Child abuse.
Please.

The Girl child Deserves the Best and More.
Please.

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i hate ASUU and FG too

I officially Hate ASUU.
Really, iDnt know what their Ish is. Okay, I get, They need their allowance or whatever is it they are striking for but, ain’t they Father’s and Mother’s too? Are their children not in State and federal Universities too? They don’t have conscience? Don’t they realise that they are delaying the explosion of people, they are keeping us in school for a longer time, making us older than we are supposed to be when we graduate.
And there’s The Federal Government Led by Good luck Jonathan. Oh shit! I dare say, that man is bringing Bad luck to us (students). Can’t they grant ASUU’s request in time, So we could continue our education smoothly. I really don’t know the whole ish between ASUU and FG and truthfully I don’t wanna know, all I want is for them to resolve this issue amicably so we can resume school already.

Okay, I have calmed down but Hell! I’m pissed. My mates in Private varsities are writing 2nd semester exams, some are done and can proudly say they are in 300L (mtcheeeeew).

Anyway, I’m going home today. Parking was difficult because I didn’t know (still don’t know) how long I’m parking for, Some say 2weeks, majority says 100days (he he, I laugh in spanish). Thing is I hate that I’m going home, not that I hate my home, just that right down, at this point, my mind isn’t in benin at all and I have no idea what I’d be doing at home. SIGHS!!!

I miss my Room in My Hostel, I miss my church in School (CFi) and most importantly I miss my friends.
Yea! Missing my Friends is the initial reason I started writing this.

Aww mehn! I’m about to cry.
I miss Ejiro Emesiri
I miss Mene Jennifer
I miss Donye Abigail.

Ok! Ok! Ok!
I miss my other friends ( *clears throat *) that I didn’t mention their names he he!

Anyway,
It amazes me how Like turns into Loves
How Friends turn into Family (and some enemies)
How little could mean so much
I’m amazed at how the weight I feel in my chest is…
Life Sha!
It throws a lot at us, good and bad.

Well, I’m Going home, not knowing when school is going to open, not knowing when I’d see my Paddies again.

So Yea! Aside delaying my Graduation, aside making me feel miserable even before reaching home cause of Boredom, I have better reasons to Hate ASUU and FG and it’s: I miss my Friends, Sorry I miss My Family.

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Random | introduction to Unconditional love

This morning my friend asked me ” Itimi, how is it possible to love unconditionally? Mehn! How did Jesus do it?”
I couldn’t give a concrete answer so I just smiled.
Thinking about it now, the only thing I can say is Loving Unconditionally is Hard.

How do you look beyond faults, flaws, lies and disappointment? How do you love someone who hurts you again and again? How do you love someone who doesn’t take your love serious or who takes you (and your love) for granted? How do we love beyond? How do we love even after all? How do we love unconditionally?

From experience:
I know that Loving isn’t easy.
It’s Pain, it’s hurt, it’s Fun, it’s joy… It’s a tragedy, It’s an enigma, it’s beautiful, complicated.
Love is a responsibility
Love required effort
Love is not easy.
If you claim to love, then you got to be able to take a lot of bullshit and bliss.

That is just Loving.
A love that can so choke you that you decide to stop caring, to stop loving, to just leave.
Conditional Love.

Now let’s check out Unconditional Love
Hehe!
If loving conditionally is as I described above, how is unconditional love like???
Unconditional Love is Love at it’s peak. It is Love – true love no matter what. It is forever.
Unconditional love is not choosy, unconditional love accepts and bears all, it never stops, it doesn’t leave, it loves beyond all flaws, it overlooks all faults. It is as described in 1Cor 13.
Yes! As human’s, unconditional love is hard. It requires patience, Tolerance, Strong will, a willing heart, a prayerful person and God’s grace. But hey! It’s possible.
Abeg e!

Bla bla bla!

I’m in love (wrong)…
… Sorry, at the moment I can say, I love someone unconditionally (sometimes I wish it was someone else I loved liked this) and truly it drives me crazy.
It’s beautiful but I hurt a lot because it’s like my •unconditonal love• Is not returned. Sometimes I wonder if this person loves me at all. I take lots of bullshit, I have had to deal with a lot of cold shoulder. There’s the jealousy part when the attention that’s supposed to mine is given to someone else without me being reasoned.
I just always have to deal with ish’s, makes me get •into my head• A lot. Makes me crazy and unsettled.
I have tried to •fashi• This person, I have tried to leave, I have tried to reduce the love, I have tried to forget but it never works. The loves just intensifies instead.
Drives me crazy.

But Well, if Jesus can love. I can too.
If God loves me no matter what, then I can love others too no matter what.

I JUST decided that I’m gonna keep loving, cause the truth is Love always brings the positive. So either, My love and worth would be fully appreciated one day and the love would be returned (By this person) or I’d just get it from someone else (or people sef!)…

Lord Grace to continue sha.

Hehe! I googled unconditional love, so I’m gonna share some stories about it that I found there. Enjoy!