Learning to Love unconditionally

By KC Dang
Extracted from http://www.tinybuddha.com

“The most important thing in this world is to learn to
give out love, and let it come in.” ~Morrie Schwartz
Love is a strange and beautiful thing.
I always thought I knew what love meant. I grew up
hearing the words all the time. It was on TV, in books
and magazines, and people all around were saying it.
I thought I knew how to love. I mean, I told my teddy
bear that I loved him because he kept me safe at night.
I told my sister that I loved her, only if she was nice to
me and would play the games that I wanted.
But if I didn’t get that new limited edition beanie baby,
I felt differently for my parents. If my friends at school
didn’t give me the birthday presents I wanted, I felt
differently for them.
I seemed to only love the people and things that would
give me something in return and that would allow life
to go on the way that I wanted it to.
I never truly felt love, a love that was unconditional
and all encompassing, until the day I first saw my dad
My friends always tell me that my father is the
happiest man that they’ve ever met. He greets
everyone with open arms, and his smile is so big you
can practically count all of his teeth.
The other day I came home, and my dad looked
sullen, the smile usually spread across his face
missing. He looked into my eyes and just collapsed
into my arms, sobbing.
I could feel his sadness before I even heard the tears,
from the way he put his entire body weight on me as if
he needed help just standing, and the way he gripped
me so tight like a child does with his mom on the first
day of school.
My sister had just made a rash career decision that
would leave her in a large amount of debt and
temporarily unemployed. And my dad just didn’t have
the money that she needed to help her out of her
Growing up, my dad always told us that his one
purpose in life was to give us the life that he never had.
And in his eyes, at that moment, he had failed.
You see, my parents are first generation immigrants
from Vietnam. They come from impoverished families,
both with more than 10 siblings each. Their journey to
America is almost like a fictional tale to me, something
that they rarely talk about, with my dad escaping first,
then my mom, aunt, and sister, who almost didn’t even
make it out alive.
At first, the American Dream wasn’t all that it was
made out to be. Yes, freedom rang, but so did the
challenge of learning a new language, a new culture, a
new way of making money and supporting a family.
But somehow, they did it. They raised my older sister
and put her through college. They raised my aunt, and
put her through college. They raised my twin sister and
me, and put us through college. And in the midst of all
that, they found a way to sponsor all of their own
siblings to emigrate to the land of the free.
It didn’t come easy though.
They accomplished all of this, even if it meant working
two (at times three) jobs. Even if it meant scrubbing
floors, toilets, hospitals, classrooms. Even if it meant
working all day and night and surviving on only two
hours of sleep.
Even if it meant tears and days where we all just cried
ourselves to sleep.
Growing up, my dad gave me everything I wanted. He
let me play sports, bought me nice clothes and toys, a
new car—even if he had to sneak by my mother so
that she wouldn’t get upset about how much he was
spoiling me.
But at the same time, my dad expected straight As,
and to succeed and excel in everything that I did. At
times I would get so mad at him and scream and
complain about why he made me study so much when
all of my friends were out having fun. His reply was
always, “So you don’t ever have to live a hard life like
I always wondered how my dad made it, how he and
my mom brought up three successful children and
stayed together through it all.
This year, my parents will have been married for 35
years, and to say they’ve been through a lot is an
understatement. They made sacrifices that threatened
their relationship with each other, with their brothers
and sisters, and even their own parents—all for us.
There is never a day that goes by where my dad
doesn’t tell me “I love you” before going to bed. It’s
with this unconditional love that keeps him going
strong, and that keeps him smiling every day no
matter how tough things can be.
I was blind to this until that day I saw my dad at his
most vulnerable point. Looking at him, bent over in my
arms like a little child, I realized that unconditional
love does not come easy; it is something learned and
It is through the toughest times, the happiest times, and
every single obstacle of life that you can discover new
ways of loving.
I did that day as I held my daddy, my hero, in my
arms. I discovered just how to finally let the love come
in that my dad had been giving me for 22 years, and
not question or find a reason for it.
My dad has taught me that to love unconditionally is to
love with absolutely no boundaries. Even when it hurts,
his love is never failing; it stays limitless, never
There are times in our lives when loving someone else
seems nearly impossible because of the difficult
situations that we find ourselves in. There are times
when we say harsh things to people we love just
because things aren’t going our way, or because they
made us unhappy.
In these situations, we find ourselves putting provisions
on love. We attach it to how others are acting, and
whether they reciprocate the feelings we give to them.
We attach it to the circumstances and emotions that go
on in a single moment.
We find ourselves holding back, fearful of being hurt,
afraid to sacrifice a piece of ourselves. But what if we
looked beyond all this and just loved?
Love because you’re grateful for the things someone
has done for you. Love because someone needs you,
needs a friend to lean on during their struggles. Love
even when it is difficult, even when your mind tells you
that you shouldn’t.
Love by looking beyond people’s faults, struggles,
and whatever pain and hardships that life may bring.
This unconditional love is something that can so easily
be given if we recognize it, and that can change
someone else’s life completely.
When we love and treat each other with the utmost
care and attention, the little things that bother us seem
far less overwhelming.
What would the world be like if we stopped looking to
get something in return, and just loved unconditionally,
for the happiness and inner peace it brings us all?


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