EARLIER THAT DAY
“Oh God! It’s 6am” I lamented. I hadn’t slept for three days straight, I had a test that day by 7am, and I didn’t know a thing about the course “oh God, I’m totally screwed”.
Ella is like “jopesi what’s up? You look drained”.
I just smile and say “sweedy, I’m ok o”.
Yea! I lied. I was feeling totally messed up. I flopped my test.
Shaking my head for my self, I undressed and layed down, hoping to get a little nap. For over 30mins I was on the bed with my eyes close but I couldn’t sleep, my head was full. My mind didn’t want to take a rest – just like the last three days, this time though, I wasn’t ready to allow it have its way. So, I plugged in my hands-free and made sure it was at its peak. Eventually I slept.
I woke, my hands-free wasn’t on my ear anymore and my room mates were talking at their loudest, everyone struggling to be heard.
“Mtcheew” I became instantly pissed.
Got my clothes, plugged in my hands-free yet again and walked out without a word.
I remember leaving my hostel without any sense of direction. I walked around the campus for awhile, then I just had this strong need for a lot of air. So, I walked to my school gate to get a bike to nowhere.
I got a bike and told the guy to just move. For over an hour I was on the bike, crying. Eventually, I told him to take me to a railway track a little outside my school. I got there and felt better immediately.
The wild monkeys jumping from trees to trees, the birds singing, the fishes in the water, the whole environment just made me feel whole again.
“Yes, I can finally think straight”. I thought to myself.
I got a good spot to sit, somewhere with lots of stones beside the waters. Immediately I sat, I heard this very loud vibrating voice.
I looked up, Lo and behold, It was a maintenance train.
“Oh My, just awesome” I said out loud. It was the very first time I was seeing a train, it was so long and fine. I kept staring at it until I couldn’t see it anymore, then, I got up and left the place.
I didn’t feel like thinking and rationalising anything anymore. Life just looked brighter.
I sure was kidding myself about not thinking anymore, because after about 10mins of my walk back, everything came gushing back.
“I have no idea how I’m going to balance this. I want to be there for my two best-friends”, I thought.
…and the tears came rushing back.
It felt like I was losing them both, and I didn’t know what to do.
Thing is, it used to be three of us. Then, I travelled, came back and found out, they weren’t close anymore. They didn’t even tell me what happened. Now, I have to shuttle between both of them and it’s draining me.
I can’t concentrate anymore, cause I have to be there for both and the day I ignore one person and spend time with the other, I get cold shoulder from the former (and that’s something I can’t handle). If only!
So now, I’m confused. How do I get them back as friends? How do I make them realise I don’t love anybody more? How do I balance it?
To be continued…