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lost in you

One more kiss…
A little more touch…
A tighter cuddle…
A longer hug…

Just A moment to feel as close again…
Just A moment to get consumed in lust…

Bury your lips in my neck…
Bury your hands in my hair…

Hold me please…
Hold me just a little bit closer…

Let’s forget the world…
Let’s move to a different realm…

Just take me deeper…
Take me higher…

A little…
More…
Again…

Hold me please…
Hold me a little bit closer…
…Please never let me go.

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Jesus – The answer to all problems

I feel worthless.
I feel ruined.
Life can’t be great anymore.
My bright future is now gloomy.

There’s no coming back from this.
There’s no light after this.
I’m done – Life is over with me.
I’m broken – Can’t be repaired.

I wish it never happened.
I wish I could erase the memory.
I wish I could feel just a little bit better.
I wish something could give me an iota of hope.

If only I listened.
If only I hadn’t allowed the circumstance define me.
If only I had looked beyond the present.
If only, if only.

I’d give anything to right things.
I’d do anything to make thing better.

My soul cried “Father have mercy”
God answered “Whenever you come boldly to my throne of Grace to ask for Mercy, You shall receive it”

My soul cried “I’m sorry for driving you away, Come back and help me”
God answered “sweetheart, I never leave you nor forsake you”

My soul cried “Father,I can’t get out”
God said “As a man thinketh in his heart, so is he”

My soul cried “But I’m not worthy to still be called yours, I’m stained already”
God said “haah! Child, My Grace is sufficient for you. Daughter, I have forgotten all that happened. Daughter, you are as white as snow to me now”

I cried out loud “So, how do I do it now?”
God answered, “the answer is in Jesus, if you don’t understand his parables, the Holy spirit which is in you already would interpret for you.”
He said, “You can do all things, cause the power in you through christ Jesus conquers all.”

With tears still in my eyes, I got off my bed and began my new walk with Light.

If anyone can get me where I’m supposed be, to help me fulfil purpose, To aid, To lift me up when I fall its Jesus. He doesn’t condemn – He just saves.

Yay! He is the only person who has seen the depth of my heart and still loves me. He is the only one that’d be my friend when I’m not even his.
Alas! If he could leave his throne in all its glory and come to earth to become sin just for my sake, then I believe he’d do every other thing for me.

It doesn’t matter what you have been through, He doesn’t care what you did in the past. When he comes in, everything would fall into place, you’d have rest on every side.
Forget the past, accept the light and the future would be better than you ever imagined.
Bless…

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Best of both worlds (part1)

EARLIER THAT DAY
“Oh God! It’s 6am” I lamented. I hadn’t slept for three days straight, I had a test that day by 7am, and I didn’t know a thing about the course “oh God, I’m totally screwed”.

THAT AFTERNOON
Ella is like “jopesi what’s up? You look drained”.
I just smile and say “sweedy, I’m ok o”.
Yea! I lied. I was feeling totally messed up. I flopped my test.
Shaking my head for my self, I undressed and layed down, hoping to get a little nap. For over 30mins I was on the bed with my eyes close but I couldn’t sleep, my head was full. My mind didn’t want to take a rest – just like the last three days, this time though, I wasn’t ready to allow it have its way. So, I plugged in my hands-free and made sure it was at its peak. Eventually I slept.

SOMETIME LATER
I woke, my hands-free wasn’t on my ear anymore and my room mates were talking at their loudest, everyone struggling to be heard.
“Mtcheew” I became instantly pissed.
Got my clothes, plugged in my hands-free yet again and walked out without a word.

I remember leaving my hostel without any sense of direction. I walked around the campus for awhile, then I just had this strong need for a lot of air. So, I walked to my school gate to get a bike to nowhere.

I got a bike and told the guy to just move. For over an hour I was on the bike, crying. Eventually, I told him to take me to a railway track a little outside my school. I got there and felt better immediately.
The wild monkeys jumping from trees to trees, the birds singing, the fishes in the water, the whole environment just made me feel whole again.

“Yes, I can finally think straight”. I thought to myself.
I got a good spot to sit, somewhere with lots of stones beside the waters. Immediately I sat, I heard this very loud vibrating voice.
I looked up, Lo and behold, It was a maintenance train.
“Oh My, just awesome” I said out loud. It was the very first time I was seeing a train, it was so long and fine. I kept staring at it until I couldn’t see it anymore, then, I got up and left the place.
I didn’t feel like thinking and rationalising anything anymore. Life just looked brighter.

I sure was kidding myself about not thinking anymore, because after about 10mins of my walk back, everything came gushing back.

“I have no idea how I’m going to balance this. I want to be there for my two best-friends”, I thought.
…and the tears came rushing back.
It felt like I was losing them both, and I didn’t know what to do.

Thing is, it used to be three of us. Then, I travelled, came back and found out, they weren’t close anymore. They didn’t even tell me what happened. Now, I have to shuttle between both of them and it’s draining me.
I can’t concentrate anymore, cause I have to be there for both and the day I ignore one person and spend time with the other, I get cold shoulder from the former (and that’s something I can’t handle). If only!
So now, I’m confused. How do I get them back as friends? How do I make them realise I don’t love anybody more? How do I balance it?

To be continued…

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RANT|Boys, Men, Male what the ‘F’ is your Problem?

I read a post of ‘thathman’ (http://thathman.wordpress.com/2013/04/07/rant-girls-women-females-whatever-your-problems-are/) saying how bitchy and stupid females are. This is to correct his thoughts.

Guys, we want you to be disciplined,principled and gentle-manly (that’s all). It’s really sweet when you quickly move up front to open the door for us and when you open the car door for us (before entry and Yes! Before exit). Now is that too much to ask? Now, what is wrong in wanting you crappy creatures to act right? Or is it that majority of you are just not “MAN ENOUGH” to open ‘common’ door or to wait for a Female to pass through first?

What’s wrong in using our feminine charm,embracing our sensitivity and vulnerability (not as weaker vessels which we are not,but as creatures who are not afraid to accept and show their feelings). Though we are more susceptible to feelings all that emotional gibberish, its does not mean that we should be the one’s to ask out. Yes I may like you but I have pride and ego also. Traditionally (in nigeria at least), ‘Na Man dey run after Woman’, so No nigeria male has a right to want a girl to ask him out first. We even know that, girls who are desperate or ‘bold enough’ to ask a guy out first, end up regretting it ,because they are taken for granted in the long run.

Its general knowledge (though no one likes to admit it) that women can do whatever (like what so ever) a man can do. Fighting to protect our rights and trying to make you little minds (the male species) realise that we are all equal,that no one is the weaker vessel, is not in any way an element of insecurity. Its knowing our worth and not allowing any one trample it. Personally, any guy who is threatened by females protecting their rights or thinks that our fight is cause we can’t handle our own is obviously not man enough to deal with females in position. So sorry dude, hope you grow up soon.

Seriously, guys need do something to you thinking. Thathan, what is wrong in managing a career and a home? I do not fault your thinking though, because it’s obvious, the females ‘you’ know are not able to manage a career and a home (No offence,but you should advise your sisters and female relatives to not bother about school. You know they should be house wives ever!).
Now, being a rational person,i actually do not support neglecting the home and kids (totally) because of a job. So instead of telling us to remain at home forever,advise those you can, to go for less stressful careers. If a woman can’t perform her marital duties, that’s a personal issue between the couple (don’t generalise).
And yes! Males generally have loose pants. No matter how good a woman could, you people would still carry your ‘yeye’ selves and date someone outside. (Prayers highly needed for you people)

No smart person on earth would expect you to be able to read their mind (well,except they are certain you have superpowers). But, naturally, as life and God has made it, the more you spend time with people,the closer you become, the better you know the person and the greater your chances of predicting them right. So, if you can’t understand the females very close to you, it’s your fault. Deal with it.

Let’s go to the bible; right from time, women do not shave (barb) their hair. So yes,this generation of females may be too engrossed in fashion, wearing brazilian, Caribbean, indian hair and all that ish, but I bet you, males of this age are freaking attracted to this things. If you barb your hair now, they’d say you are being a tomboy which they see as a ‘NO NO’

Okay, I’m done with trying to influence and correct your highly faulty thoughts.
Bottom line is, Most females have better attitudes and a brighter future that their male counterparts.
So instead of bitching around and calling us names, go work on yourself and please for the sake of the next generation, Pray for yourselves.

In reply to thatman’s http://thathman.wordpress.com/2013/04/07/rant-girls-women-females-whatever-your-problems-are/

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The love that Never really happened

I’ve been thinking about you for awhile,I remember you crossing my mind at least once everyday.
I slept only afta fantasising about us.
I lived everyday knowing that each passing day drew me closer to the Day I’d see you again.
I couldn’t watch romantic movies anymore cause they ended getting me Horny cause of You.
I was insane. It was just you.
I had sleepless nights cause I was wondering if you thought of Me and miss me as Much.

School resumed, unfortunately We couldn’t see immediately.
I had to arrange,you had to arrange.
I had course registration to do,so did You.
We needed to Pay school fees.
I got knew pals. You kept waiting for me to come back.
Activities drove us apart.
Funny how we barely spoke in school while we talked hours non-stop during holiday.
It hurt,but it was nobody’s fault.
Eventually,thoughts of You reduced.
Then, life just happened.

Until… 12:05am,18yrs after my birth(17weeks later).

I remember I was sleeping when my phone rang,usually I don’t sleep on d eve of my birthdays But this one was different.
I had worked my ass of that day,that no matter how hard I tried to stay awake I eventually found Myself sleeping. Anyways,like I was saying, my ringtone drew me out of bed.
I was reluctant to pick but, Oh My! When I saw it was you,Sleep ‘commot’ my eye sharp sharp.
“Happy Birthday Love, Wish you the very best” was what you said when I picked.
I can’t remember the rest of the conversation cause I was too engrossed in your voice. After the call, I couldn’t sleep. Shoot! You called me( I was enthralled). Then, I just knew it was going to be my best birthday yet.
6am,my doorbell rang.
It was You with lots of gifts that is, remember you coming in and telling me of all the plans you had for me(truly I wasn’t listening,I was too happy you were around for me plus ur lips-not the words coming out-thrilled me).
So,you made me breakfast while I took my bath. After eating and stuffs, my day began (the day you had planned out began).Uhmm,let’s skip the details of the day. But,I won’t fail to mention that my day was fun. Thanks.

I still don’t what made you sleep over at my place that night.
I remember you dropping me off,then you needed to pee so you came in too.
Then,we just got talking. Talked about how we had been since we last saw.
Then somewhere in between, I said “I swear,I’d give anything to kiss you again”. The rest is history(:p hehe). Ok! A little detail -Your lips tasted the same,but you kissed differently(I loved it still),truly I couldn’t get enough of the kiss and then Touching commenced, You hand on me was …(Mostly because we had never really gotten to that extent before), but Mehn! It was sexy! Oh! Yes I remenber i lost all sense of control.
And when u whispered u loved me (#sighs), Shoot! Or when u kept saying how much you loved my body(blushing still at the thought), OMG! thinking about it now sends shivers down my spine (ok,I think I have to stop now). I dunno o, buh It was the best I ever had.

As I send goodbye and thanks to you, the next morning I knew that was the last time We were ever going to get that Close. Still,I was very happy cause my fantasy had come true. I miss you and I’d forever remember that day.
Truly,you were my one true love that Life never allowed happen.

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Dear Future Husband, I Miss You!

Dearie,
How are you? Hope life has been good? You having fun right? I’m certain you working tirelessly to achieve all your goals for this Year. Uhm,I’m wondering how many books you have read this year and hey! I have this ‘awesome’ feeling that your relationship with God is totally On point(I am not wrong am I?). You still exercise every morning and evening right? Yea!

I miss you
(its sounds awkward right? I know,but I actually Miss you.)
You see I’m going through a Phase right now and it would have been great to talk to you about all of it down to the tiniest,most irrelevant detail. It would have been Nice to hear you dissect,analyse and help me figure a way out. We’d pray together,you’d tell me how stupid I have been, I’d cry and you’d pet me,make me laugh and forget My ishs.

I Miss the conversations we would have,you know those lengthy talks on the phone when we are not together,or the talks we’d have just before sleeping at night,and the talks we’d have while taking a stroll.
You see,I just want to Talk to You,Tell you everything and Oh yes! I want to listen to you talk about everything-Tell me about your day,your new goals and ideas,Your ishs,Your Joy. I want to pet and pamper you,cook your best meals(no washing of clothes tho-there’s washing machine to do the work #hehe).

Sweedy,I want to cuddle, I miss the comfortable silence we’d have. I want to see you smile(the killing smile that’d make me shiver), I want to hear you laugh (I bet its going to make my kneels quiver). I’m envisioning us fighting and I’m laughing controllably (So much Fun), mehn! I see you begging and Me Forming for you (vice versa).
I’m trying so hard not to think about our sexual life (#whispering: its too erotic for me too Handle right Now).
I miss the Life we would have. I just really want to be with you. You know we would be BFF’s right?

I wonder what you are up to now. Who your friends are,What are you majoring at school? Boo,what are you hobbies? What do you dislike? Do you like gadgets like me? Is music really you thing? Do you love food? What are our similaries and differences?
What are your challenges?hmm, I do know though that God won’t ever give you something you can’t handle. That confidence keeps me going.
Well, keep believing, keep praying,worshipping and fellowshipping with God. Don’t relent in your pursuit. Don’t forget you are anointed for Favour and you are canopied with amazing grace. Keep Learning,Keep reading. Just continue being Better.
I love you to bits. Xoxo
Yours’ Forever
Jopesi.

PS:write me soon. Muah

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The BFF that never was!

She started my school when we were in SS1. She is short,bold and beautiful. She has the ability to run you down with her mouth,sharp kid,smart and ambitious. Doesn’t care much about people,never let’s anyone see beyond the outer. She is calm and collected,plays when necessary n serious when needed.
At 1st we didn’t click,we just functioned as hi-hi friends until inter house football competition. l was my house soccer captain and she was interested in playing for my house. Well, trainings commenced,she was a good defender n uhm as u would have guessed already we got close.
She appealed to me on so many levels. We agreed and disagreed so many subjects. We’d analyse nd dissect ourselves for hours, she was like a soul sister. She could rightly guess my thoughts and interpret my actions, I could never Fake with her. Mehn we got reali close.
We’d sit under a palm tree in my school and talk for hours,sometimes we’d even skip classes. We became a subject. I lost friends because of her buh I ‘lai lai’ care. I got so comfty with her dat I started sharing my deepest secrets with her,and that’s when she started withdrawing. I told her stuffs upon stuffs upon stuffs but she sadly never opened up to me like that,at that time I felt maybe she had no deep secrets to share(I was wrong tho).
Now,after awhile she just left me,she couldn’t look me in the eye,she wasn’t comfortable having long conversations with me anymore. It hurt,mehn it hurt really bad. I couldn’t understand what went wrong. My bestie just ditched me like that.
Well.. After awhile(a really long while) I got Me back,didn’t care about her or her(I pray o hehe!). Anyways,I went back to my old friends n luckily they accepted me back. We startd rolling again,looking for trouble,reading and being us. And gradually my bestie faded(I still had the memories tho and I never regretted meeting her or telling her stuffs, cos it loosen me up and gave me air).
By the time we were in ss3 we were hi-hi friends officially again(buh it can’t b d same na,u dig?) Anyways,she suddenly started coming close,I was skeptical for a longwhile but eventually gave in. We came close again,but dis time I was different. I didn’t allow her in (well,up until my 100l in varsity).
This time she opened up and told me stuffs and said she ditched me cos she was scared and didn’t know how to respond to my ishs(mtcheeww,stupid!). She was sorry,she tried advising but I ‘lai lai’ listen(I had already gone passed those ishs already and had new ones to deal with(hehe)). We talked and talked and shared varsity experiences and I felt I Had an official bestie till I realised I did all the work. I called 1st,texted 1st and had to always pressurise b4 she talkd. So I gave up n stoppd caring(truly dis time). Funny! Buh she never tried gettn me back(makes me wonder if she cared at all). I thought and hoped d distance would make her realise I was a great frnd(she did buh she never tried as much I did,so I let her go completely and now I almost not care.

Funny! How u cud gv someone all nd they dnt appreciate. Issorai sha, I have learnt lessons nd its an experience.
Yea! She was the bestfriend forever that never was!

For awhile I had no Friend,I didn’t want someone to come and go with a part of mw again,I didn’t want to love and not love back. But why should I ruin my Future relationships because of a Past one? Why should I miss out on all the Fun I could have with friends? So I came alive again and now I have the best friends anyone could have.